Catch and Release?? Sure, But How About a Better, Cheaper, and Faster Way!!

On February 6, 2021, our beloved President, Joe Biden, re-instituted the policy of Catch and Release at the Mexican border. Under this program, when an illegal alien uninvited guest, mostly okay (a/k/a UGMO) is nailed captured detained caught at our border, he/she/they are extensively processed. This processing takes forever and is very expensive. After processing, the UGMO is released into the U.S. provided they promise to appear at court (weeks/months hence).

What a waste of time and money!! My sainted granny from Kilbarchan would be shocked, shocked, at the costs (and the results) of this program.

To honor granny and save the government (i.e., we taxpayers) a ton of money, we at The Meaning of Life ~ World’s Greatest Political Satire!! have formulated Greet, Feed, House, and Release. This plan is quicker, cheaper, and achieves the same results as Catch and Release. And most importantly, our plan will make America a compassionate country again. Here is how it works:

  1. When a UGMO illegally with out papers (WOP) enters our country, he/she/they (usually they) are  met at the border by an official tuxedoed, good looking, friendly, white, darker colored,  WELCOME TO THE GRAVY TRAIN U.S. Greeter. Each UGMO gets a laurel and hearty handshake, coffee, doughnuts, cocktails of their choice, and, if drugs are available in the UGMOs former country, their drug of choice! All UGMOs are housed and fed at a four ( but not five as alleged by some conservative busybodies) star hotel of their choice in any of the fifty states. America is again a welcoming country.
  2. When (if ever) an UGMO tires of the above with the above amenities, they can promise to leave the U.S. at their earliest convenience.
  3. When they make the promise, they are released and flown, first class, to any destination in the country they choose(except Naples, Florida) . Since we already accept their promise to leave under Catch and Release, accepting their promise to leave under Greet, Feed, House, and Release is not even a policy change.

Of course, 96.3% of all UGMOs will break their promise and remain here forever. But since 96.4% of UGMOs lie and stay in the U.S. under Catch and Release, our new program is actually 0.1% more effective than the old one! A substantial improvement! (In fact, the only improvement, to date, made by the Biden Administration).

Greet, Feed, House, and Release will also generate substantial savings. Since no tracking, processing, or any other border work is required, we can fire 98% of our ICE agents, 32.2% of our FBI agents, 26% of our USCIS agents, 28.2 or our Homeland Security agents, 8% of our State Department officials, and our vice-president. Of course, our laurel, coffee, doughnut, liquor, housing, and drug expenses will increase, but we would still save  boatload of money. And once again, America will be a compassionate, caring, and considerate country!!

GOD BLESS AMERICA DIVERSITY!!!

It is not clear if a pinky promise is required.
96.4% of UGMOs fail to appear and stay in the U.S., but this is due solely to racism and white privilege.
Scotland. Also the home of Mary Barbour, who led the Glasgow rent strike of 1916.
Or after ten (10) years, whichever comes first.
It is not clear if a pinky promise would be required.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement
Federal Bureau of Investigation
United States Citizenship and Immigration Services

APRIL 3, 2021 ADDENDUM: The Biden Administration has just modified the Catch and Release program and is now greeting, feeding, housing, and then releasing all UGMOs without any processing.  😁HOT DAMN! It looks like Joe reads and follows the advice of The Meaning of Life ~ World’s Greatest Political Satire!!! 

BUT HE STOLE OUR IDEA!!!!

Alan Bianco
Alan Bianco

I am a retired lawyer living south of the Mason Dixon line. I have always wanted to write on politics and now I do. I write with a twinkle in my eye and in my posts. I hope reading my commentaries makes you think. . . and laugh.