REPARATIONS FOR SLAVERY?? SURE, LET’S HAVE FUN!!

The Background

Many caring and considerate Americans (usually those of a non-Caucasian persuasion) are insisting that Americans whose ancestors had the same skin color as long dead slave masters make payments to Americans whose ancestors had the same skin color as long dead slaves. While no living American has ever held slaves, nor has any living American ever been enslaved, these transfer payments are being called reparations for slavery.

Other caring and considerate Americans (usually those of the Caucasian persuasion) say that the idea of reparations is preposterous – No living American should be made to pay for a non-crime that he/she didn’t commit over 150 years ago merely because those who committed the non-crime had a similar skin color as said living American! They also say that reparations are unconstitutional because they work an attainder and a corruption of blood, both of which violate Article III, Section 3, subd. 2 of the United States Constitution (See Reparations – Corruption of Blood or Bloody Mess at https://www.meaningoflifesatire.com/2019/12/18/reparations-corruption-of-blood-or-bloody-mess/ at The Meaning of Life ~ World’s Greatest Political Satire!!).

The Solution?

Unlike others of the Caucasian persuasion, we at MOL have thought the problem through. We concluded that even though reparations are preposterous and will ultimately fail, we will have a ball instituting them! We need a break from Ukraine/Russia, inflation, crime, and Slo-Joe. Here is our thinking:

The Problems of Creating a Solution

Everyone else who is talking reparations (either for or against) has missed the initial problem reparations creation will bring! We haven’t! Before reparations can start, we must determine who will pay them and who will receive them.  The only way to di this is to (re)segregate all Americans into two categories. Those whose ancestors had the same skin color as slaves – the reparations receivers, and those whose ancestors had the same skin color as masters – the reparations payors. After all, how can we set up a payment system without knowing who will pay and who will be paid? (Re)Segregating Americans will be fascinating, interesting, on the far side of ridiculous, and will push our country to the brink of  idiocy and madness. What could be more fun than that!!

How can we (re)segregate?  As I see it, there are three methodologies that could be used for the classification/segregation{1}: a political method; a scientific method; or a practical method.

Political Methods

If we use a political method, we must pass a law (or laws) that will classify all Americans as either descendants of masters or as descendants of slaves. What this new law (or laws) will look like is anyone’s guess, but we do have at least two prior laws to guide us. Maybe we could use one of them! They are:

  1. The Louisiana “1/32” law. This law, which was in force in the great state of Louisiana until April 25, 1862{2} defined a slave (i.e. a black) as anyone having at least 1/32 African ancestry. (Basically, more than one great-great-grandparent who was African). If this law is used, repreparations will be paid to any American with at least one black ancestor in the last four generations. This method will produce some irony. Americans as white as Edgar Winter might end up receiving reparations, while Americans as dark as Dinesh D’Souza might end up paying them. {3} Of course, applying his law would require oodles of genetic and family tracing (Remember, the ancestry of each ancestor would also have to be checked to make sure they were “pure” black). Thank God for Ancestry.com!!
  2. The Virginia “One Drop” law. Virginia used a somewhat different method to determine “blackness”. The “One Drop” law classified anyone who had even “one drop” of African blood as black. This is our preferred method of classification. Why? Because all homo sapiens sapiens (i.e., all humans, all of us) evolved in the Great Rift Valley in East Africa. Since East Africa is in Africa, not only do all of us have “one drop” of African blood, every drop of everyone’s blood (red cells, platelets, t-cells, plasma, etc.) is, in fact, African!  Using the Virginia classification method, all Americans would receive reparations!!! My kind of law!!
Scientific Methods

If we can’t agree on a political method of classification, we could use a scientific one. As I see it there are two scientific ways to segregate{4} Americans by skin color. They are:

  1. The Skin Reflectivity Method. Under this method, we would establish a scientific (always follow the science) color reflectivity standard.  All Americans’ skin will be tested for reflectivity. Anyone whose skin reflected more light than the standard would be classified as a descendent of masters. Anyone whose skin reflected less light than the standard would be classified a descendent of slaves. This test might present some political problems: Southern Italian Americans, Turkish Americans, Arab Americans, Aboriginal Americans Indian Americans, and American Indians, and would lobby for a high reflectivity standard so they could be classified as descendants of slaves and receive reparations, while Swedish Americans, Lapland Americans, Scottish Americans, and Eskimo Innuit Americans would urge a low reflectivity standard so people of lighter color would have to pay reparations to fewer people. The setting of the standard will be contentious, but fun to watch.
  2. The Actual Melanin Method. This method would test the actual amount of melanin is each American’s skin. The government would establish a  (Melanin Part Per Million or MPPM) standard. Americans whose skin exceeded the melanin standard would be classified as descendants of slaves, whole those Americans whose skin contained less than the melanin limit would be classified as descendants of masters. Again, the setting of a standard will be difficult (and again, fun to watch!).
Practical Methods

If we can’t agree on a political or a scientific method of segregation, we could use a practical method. An American could be classified as a descendant of slaves if he/she actually had ancestors who were slaves and an American would be classified as a descendant of masters if, in fact, they had an ancestor who held slaves. While this method seems the fairest, it is also the most problematic. Besides the heavy-duty reliance on Ancestry.com and the fraud and the bribery that would occur, not all living African Americans would receive reparations, some would have to pay them{5}. This will ruin th3e narrative!! In addition, there would be a few paradoxes. For example, Kamala Harris is black, yet her ancestors held slaves!!!  Would she have to pay reparations to herself?

Before reparations are instituted, we at MOL have two “humanitarian” recommendations:

  1. That Caucasian Americans who had an ancestor killed or wounded in the Civil War (which, in case you haven’t heard, was the war that ended slavery) receive a 57.2% discount on any reparations they owe; and,
  2. That, before reparation payments begin, the cost ($22,000,000,000,000) of all poverty programs since 1965 be repaid to the Federal government.

Another Problem

Oh yes, one final point. How will we calculate the interest due on reparations? They are, after all, 155-401 years overdue.

History is On Our Side NOT!

Reparations for “slavery” will be fun to institute in America. But historically, reparations never work. American Indigeians  have been receiving reparations from the U.S. government since 1934. These reparations have not helped them nearly as much as the pure unfettered (and monopolistic) capitalism of operating casinos and not having to pay sales tax on cigarettes and beer!

And, of course, there is Germany. After World War I, Germany had to pay massive reparations to the allies.  These reparations directly caused World War II.

Footnotes

{1} It should be noted that those Americans classified as descendants of masters might not (actually, certainly didn’t) have had any ancestors who held slaves. Similarly, Americans classified as descendants of slaves might not have had any ancestors who were, in fact, slaves.
{2} The day New Orleans (which contained most of the population of the state) fell to the Union.
{3} Interestingly, Homer Plessy (Plaintiff in the famous Plessy v. Ferguson Supreme Court case) was only 1/32 African. Even though he looked white (and somewhat French) he still couldn’t ride the railroad because he “failed” the 1/32 test!
{4} We at MOL have always been opposed to segregation, but since some Americans want reparations today, reparations tomorrow and reparations forever, it seems we must now, unfortunately, adopt the motto, Segregation Today, Segregation Tomorrow, Segregation Forever!!  I don’t think this is what Dr. King had in mind!
{5} In 1860, there were 393,000 slave holders in the United States. About 3,000 of them were African American.
{6} 364,000 Northern soldiers were killed in the Civil War, 281,000 were wounded.
{7} We can’t use the Prime Rate because it wasn’t invented until 1947.

We at MOL are also in favor of Reparation to Ourselves!  Please donate and help keep political satire alive!!

Alan Bianco
Alan Bianco

I am an OG (old guy) who recently retired and now lives south of the Mason Dixon line. I have always wanted to write on politics and now I do, with a twinkle in my eye and a quick wit in my posts. I hope reading my commentaries makes you think... and wonder... and laugh.