ROUGH AND READY, CA. January 21, 2022 There has been much confusion as to what sanctions, if any, Slo-Joe Biden will impose on Russia when, er, if, they invade Ukraine. Therefore, MOL has been investigating this matter for some time. Here is what we found:
Ukraine is situated between Poland on the east and Russia on the west. It is a former Soviet Republic that broke away from the Soviet Union to pursue truth, justice, and the American Ukrainian way. The Ukrainian people endured years of hardship, war(1), and famine(2) under the former Soviet Union, but finally achieved freedom in 1991(3). (For more information on Ukraine, Russia, and their “disagreement”, see https://www.meaningoflifesatire.com/the-fulda-gap-and-in-defense-of-the-russkies/)
In 2014, Russian troops marched into the nearby Crimean Peninsula and annexed it. However, since they did not annex all of Ukraine, this action was only considered a “minor incursion” by the Obama administration, which included our current beloved president, Slo-Joe Biden.
The Immediate Problem
Since Ukrainian independence, Russia has been eyeing eastern Ukraine,(4) specifically an area known as Donbass(5). Donbass is mostly populated by ethnic Russians and lies on the eastern border of Ukraine. For these reasons, Russia has stationed over 100,000 troops on the Russian side of this border. These troops are ready to invade Donbass on a moments notice. In addition, Russia has established a massive supply “tail”(6) to support their troops when they begin raping and pillaging.
Biden knows the Russians will invade but, as reported by CNN, will permit them only one more “minor incursion”. (See https://www.cnn.com/2022/01/19/politics/russia-ukraine-joe-biden-news-conference/index.html) If they try anything stronger, he is ready to immediately slap them with numerous, punitive sanctions.
Slo-Joe is confident his sanctions will be just as effective as previous US sanctions imposed against North Korea (1950), Cuba (1958), Iran (1979, lifted 1981, reintroduced 1987), Syria (1986), and Venezuela (2019). Slo-Joe has not revealed exactly what sanctions he will impose but crack MOL investigators have finally uncovered them. For the first time in the press, MOL reveals what sanctions Slo-Joe intends to impose on Russia when they begin their major invasion:
Sanction #1 – Tongue Lashing and Castigation
Biden will subject every Russian leader to a very nasty tongue lashing. Each leader will be castigated(7) until the cows come home! This threat alone will surely dissuade the Russians from taking any action, but wait, there’s more!
Sanction #2 – The Russian Dressing Excise Tax
Biden will immediately slap a 50% excise tax on all Russian Dressing sold in America.
Sanction #3 – A Finlandia Import Ban
The U.S. will immediately ban the importation of Finlandia vodka. (MOL could not determine why Biden will be banning a vodka produced in Finland.)
Sanction #4 – The Biden Geographic Landmark Renaming Program
By Executive Order, Biden will rename the Russian River in northern California the Liberal/Progressive Indigenous Peoples of Color (including Asians) River of Non-White Color. In addition, Biden will order both Moscow, Idaho and Russia, New York be renamed Berkeley, California. Biden will also encourage all Americans to use the phrase, “moving with rapidity” rather than say they are “rushin’”.
In conclusion, Slo-Joe and his entire administration are sure that the threat of the above sanctions will certainly prevent any Russian action in Ukraine and bring the entire world “peace in our time”!
(1) In 1919, six different armies – those of the Ukrainians, the Bolsheviks, the Whites, the Entente (French), the Poles and the anarchists – were fighting in Ukrainian territory. Kiev changed hands five times in less than a year.
(2) Over seven million Ukrainians died in the famine of 1932-33.
(3) Or 1992, depending on who you talk to.
(4) How dare those Ukrainian troublemakers secure freedom and independence. Who do they think they are? The Second Continental Congress?
(5) A Ukrainian contraction for Donets Basin. Apparently, Ukrainians do not use apostrophes in their contractions!
(6) A military supply “tail” consists of two parts: a) the vast storage of supplies near an advancing army so that the army will have enough gasoline, bullets, food, clothing and medical supplies to rape and pillage at will, and b) the implementation of a vast and efficient transportation network that can rush additional supplies to the invading army so they will be capable of lots of raping and pillaging.
(7) That’s “castigate”, not “castrate”. Of course, Slo-Joe doesn’t know the difference.
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