UKRAINE – SLO-JOE BIDEN VS. VLAD THE IMPALER! WHO’LL WIN!

The Ukraine “problem has come down to Slo-Joe vs. Vlad the Impaler. Things don’t look good for the west.

Background

In 2014, Russia seized Crimea and began fomenting insurrections in the eastern part of Ukraine, an area known as the Donbas that is mostly populated by ethnic Russians.

Over the last year, the balance of Ukraine (except for Donbas) has begun leaning west and has asked to join the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO).

Recent History

In response, Russia began warning the West that dreadful things would happen if Ukraine joined NATO or became firmly aligned with the west. A quick look at the map shows why. The west would have an armed ally less than three hundred miles from Moscow. On the other hand, Putin has been trying like all hell to reconstruct the Soviet Union. Acquiring all of part of Ukraine would be a good start!

Russia has recently moved over 110,000 troops to at least two places on Ukraine border: southern Belarus (south of Gomel); and next to the Russia/Ukraine border, north of Donbas (near Belgorod, Russia).

The Sanction Threat

Charges and countercharges hurled back and forth between American president Slo-Joe Biden and Russian president Vladimir (Vlad the Impaler) Putin over this matter. It has become Slo-Joe vs. Vlad the Impaler. The west has threatened Russia with sanctions that will have “massive (“massive” being undefined) consequences (“consequences” also being undefined)” if the Russians do, well, Biden has not defined what the Russians must do to incur these “massive consequences”. But he seemed to hint that these consequences would be brought if Russia invades Ukraine.

Biden had also threatened Putin with “personal sanctions”. (See https://www.meaningoflifesatire.com/bidens-russian-sanctions-finally-revealed/ for a review of the sanctions being considered). Slo-Joe’s State Department has spent the last week assuring the world that his “massive” and “personal” sanctions will cause Putin to back down and go home. We don’t think so.

Biden has also made a milquetoast attempt at peace negotiations following British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain’s extremely successful “Munich Model.” (See https://www.meaningoflifesatire.com/slo-joes-new-solution-to-the-ukraine-problem-the-munich-model/ for more information on Slo-Joe’s “Munich Model”)

The Russian Response

On the morning of January 26, Russian Putin threatened that Russia would take “appropriate measures” if Russia doesn’t receive “a constructive answer from the west on our security measures”. Or, in the vernacular, “back off and leave Ukraine or we are going in.” Biden immediately rejected all of Russia’s demands.

Thanks to Slo-Joe’s wimpy and costly retreat from Afghanistan, as well as his wimpy and slightly less costly retreat from Build Back Better, Putin is not afraid of Biden. Therefore, Biden’s threats no longer deter Putin in any way. Vlad the Impaler is going to impale Ukraine.

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc{1}

Not only is Russia going to invade Ukraine, we at The Meaning of Life ~ World’s Greatest Political Satire!!! know how they are going to do it. Our crack sleeper mole (the cleaning lady at Defense Minister General Sergey Shoygu’s office) has delivered Russia’s war plans to us and we have examined them in detail. We can nor reveal how the Russians are going to invade:

  1. The troops south of Gomel (Army #1-See map) will move towards Kyiv, less than fifty miles away. The Russians have the option of attacking Kyiv either via the very flat land thorough the Mizhrichynski Regional Landscape Park or by water down the Dnieper River, or by both! They will take Kyiv in 3-4 days.
  2. Simultaneously, the Russian force in Belgorod (Army #2) will march south towards the Crimean Peninsula. This army will only have to travel a hundred miles to get to the Black Sea. It shouldn’t take them more than three days. At which time, the Donbas (and more) will be cut off from the rest of “rump” Ukraine. Of course, the Russians will have to pacify the Donbas but, since the area is populated by ethnic Russians, extraordinarily little pacification will be required.
  3. If the Russians need additional help in the Donbas, a third Russian force (Optional Army #3) may march northward, from Crimea, to meet the army moving south from Belgorod.

The Climax

In less than four days, Russia will present the world with its faits accomplis. They (Russia) will control Kyiv (and be in a position to install a new Ukrainian leader if they so desire) and will also be in possession of the entire Donbas region (and some). Unfortunately for Biden, his “massive consequences” will still be in his pocket.

If Putin has any political savvy (and he does), Russia will immediately offer to:

  1. Halt all offensive operations; and,
  2. Completely withdraw from Kyiv; and,
  3. Completely withdraw from the non-Russian “excess” Donbas territory that they captured; and,
  4. As a show of peaceful intentions, increase the supply of natural gas to Europe and reduce the price of said gas by 20%; and,
  5. Affirmatively state that this is “the last territorial demand they have to make in Europe{2}.”

In return for his concessions, Putin will ask the west to:

  1. Discontinue all sanctions and threats of sanctions against Russia and its leaders; and,
  2. Accept Russian annexation of the Donbas; and,
  3. Allow the Nord Stream 2 pipeline continue to deliver natural gas to Germany and others; and,
  4. Guarantee that Ukraine will never join NATO.

Denouement

Now, let’s see where are we or more importantly, where is Slo-Joe?

He will have two options. Option one would be to ignore the Russian offers, play tough guy and sanction Russia and/or their leaders. If he pursues this strategy, Russia will annex the rest of Ukraine (Putin would, of course, leak the annexation plan to the western press to increase the pressure on Slo-Joe) and/or install a Ukrainian leader that is to their liking. In either case, the west will have lost Ukraine forever. But Biden will look tough (in a very weak sort of way)!

Option two would be to accept the Russian offers. If he chooses this path, he will be able to say that he “saved” (at least some of) Ukraine and brought lower fuel prices to all our European allies! Hooray for Captain Spaulding Slo-Joe Biden!

Of course, Biden loses and looks like a horse’s ass no matter which path he chooses!

Footnotes

{1} After this, therefore because of this.
{2} We don’t like to quote Hitler, but sometimes it is necessary.

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